Spring cleaning

[Start of old-man’s rant.]

I don’t suffer stupid people or stupid things well, which is why today I spent well over an hour deleting every single one of my Fartbook posts and left all but an empty shell account on the social-privacy-violation-media site. It’s spring (or so we’re told…), so I thought it prudent to toss things that aren’t good for me and which, I keep telling myself, I could do well (better, in fact) without.

Fartbook is this spring’s first casualty. I’ve had it with folk’s lack of manners when posting; intrusive ads; fake stories; privacy violations; negative news coverage; unwanted (cat) videos; personal self-promotion; and folk prompting me to read stories from dubious web sites that incite nothing but more Fartbook garbage. When I look at Fartbook, I see what the Internet should not have become. It’s time for a digital detox, I decided. So long stupid people with stupid posts you should have read before sharing. Only then would they have discovered the article’s headline had nothing to do with the misinformation the article is promoting, and my time could have been better spent looking at (dog) videos instead of writing a reply on how the article is nothing but nonsense. Seriously! No one in their right mind should suffer answering 50 questions to determine which Disney villain best describes their childhood. So what if mine is Ursula from The Little Mermaid?

This is not the first time I’ve done this. I’ve had different Fartbook accounts in the past, all of which suffered a similar demise. This time, it feels final and decisive. I can’t think of one instance when I was glad to have Fartbook or decided it was vital to my day. Instead, my heart skipped a beat, my spirit soared, and my mind gave a sigh of relief when I deleted the Fartbook shortcut from my broswer. More time for reading! More time to be outdoors. More opportunities to look up and realize there are sunrises, sunsets, and wonders to behold. Sorry, Fartbook; life is better when fully lived.

Next in-line was Instagram. Same idea. As a Fartbook acquisition, Instagram has become a public dumping ground of toxic masculinity, unabashaed self-promotion, and abnormally retouched photos that leave me wondering how anyone with no visible pores can sweat. Am I the only man in South Florida who walks around wearing a shirt? Why are my abdominal muscles not as clearly defined as, well, everyone’s! And is Instagram now only for people under 32? I’ve had it with the app that once was a depository for amateur photographers and people wishing to share their quick snaps with the world. Instead, Instagram keeps wanting to sell me shoes, underwear, Viagra, and yoga pants I’m not sure I’ll ever fit into. Ever! Getting rid of it doubled my sense of self-esteem and gained me 30 minutes of free time I now use to read a book or call a friend I had not spoken to in months! By the end of the day I feel I’ve gotten more done: such as writing today’s rant.

Twitter: Bye-bye. It takes one person to ruin something for everyone. No need to elaborate further on that.

Fartbook Messenger: Gone! I don’t understand why anyone would want to use the app. I can text just as well using a texting app; I don’t need to split a conversation into three different apps. No more. Deleted.

WhatsApp should be called WhoTheFuck. Does anyone other than my brother-in-law use this? That’s reason enough for me to delete it! Still, every time I open the app to send a message to someone, they reply either by text message or Messenger. Seriously. WhatsApp with that?!

Finally, gone is FartTime from my apps and my phone. FartTime makes me nervous. Fearful, in fact. About 90% of people who FartTime me do so while they’re driving! No! You don’t FartTime and drive; it’s dangerous! Someone could die from FartTiming and I don’t want to have to watch it on my phone or computer. The horror! Stop it now! Don’t FartTime me while you’re driving. If I was in the car with you, I’d take the phone away from you and throw it out the window. What’s wrong with you?

I’ve a feeling this is not the end of my spring cleaning. I’ve been eyeing other apps I think ought to go. I’m looking at you Skype, Tumblr, and Yelp. Come to think of it, when was the last time I Yelped? Ok, bye-bye. Gone! Spring cleaning is in full-delete-swing!

[End of old-man’s rant.]